


School yard conversations taken to heart

by anassa_anemou



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Bullying, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-03
Updated: 2012-11-03
Packaged: 2017-11-17 15:21:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/553028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anassa_anemou/pseuds/anassa_anemou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt had been told by his bullies that the only way he could do a guy any good would be if he could get pregnant. The thought stays embedded in his brain, the subconscious reason for wanting to get pregnant. After many futile attempts with his husband, Noah Puckerman, he gives up. But with one unprotected night, Puck is now pregnant and as much as Kurt wants to be a father, he feels his heart tear a little more everyday at the thought of Puck being the one to carry their child.</p>
            </blockquote>





	School yard conversations taken to heart

**Author's Note:**

> From [this](http://puckurt.livejournal.com/1425568.html?thread=26043040#t26043040) prompt in the Fic I Didn't Write game post.  
> Beta: xdark_chanx

Kurt loved his Barbie doll, even if his dad hated that he liked her more than the monster truck in that ugly green colour. That day, he took her to school, even though his father had told him to only play with her in the house.

But he was always sad at school; the other kids didn’t so much as look at him, they would pass him by, push him to the floor, and call him weird. The teachers would tell him to go play alone, that the other kids would come and play with him sometime later. He never had a playmate. He never asked the teachers again.

Sometimes a curly haired kid would approach him and put a puzzle on the table where he sits. The kid doesn’t talk to him, just puts the puzzle in front of him and at the end of play time shoves it in his backpack. They never talked, but one time, Kurt told the boy he didn’t like action or comic characters, so the boy never brought them anymore, just the princess ones and the cute ones.

The day Kurt decides to take the Barbie to school, the curly haired kid doesn’t bring a puzzle, just stared at him, and then leaned over to speak to a tall boy. The other kid looked confused, but the curly haired one sent him to another group of kids with a shout. Kurt tried not to stare back at him, so he just looked down and started to brush the doll’s hair.

She was a brunet, with a plaid blue dress and black pumps. She was simple and cheap; his mother had bought him her in a flee market, so his dad wouldn’t complain that she was spending money on a useless thing. His mother had told him that it wasn’t the money, but the principle; he didn’t understand what she meant. Now she couldn’t explain, she would never have the chance to explain anything to him.

He was distracted, and didn’t notice the other boys gathering around him. They pulled him forward, and he fell to the floor. The grass was damp, the dew soaking his pants. One of the boys tried to pull the doll from his hands, but he held on tight, and the head flew in the air.

Kurt started to cry, in the last few months almost anything could make him cry, and today was harder. His mother’s birthday was next day and his dad had told him that they go visit her. Kurt hated cemeteries, everything was ugly and sad, and his mom didn’t deserve to live there.

He felt the curly haired boy grabbing his shoulders, and bringing him up. And then they formed a circle around him. Kurt tried to struggle, but the arms holding him got stronger. He looked around and saw all the kids laughing so he looked at the floor, but a big hand made him look up again.

“The sissy is all wet. I think he wet his pants and now there’s snot on his face too.”

“Ugly fag!” One of the other boys shouted at him, and he didn’t like that word.

“Stupid, girly fag!” He isn’t stupid, maybe girly, but... His train of thoughts is ripped apart when he heard one of the boys:

“Take his pants off; let’s see if he even has a penis!”

“No, nonono, please...”

The curly haired one put a hand in his mouth, the hand was sweaty and he just wanted to bite it, to make him let go. Maybe a teacher would listen to him. He felt his pants being dragged down and his underwear too. He tried to put his hands in front of himself, but the curly kid just locked them behind his back.

“See, tiny penis, almost a girl.”

“If he was a girl, no one would want him.”

“Maybe if he could get pregnant? Dad says that some dudes pay a lot for a woman to carry their kid because their fags and can’t have them.”

“The only good this shit could do is to have a kid, but he isn’t a true girl, is he?”

He was dropped to the floor, and he didn’t look up to see why. He just curled in on himself and tried to breathe. Later, when he heard his dad, he just let himself be carried home. He just wanted to sleep forever.

Kurt woke up cold; he looked to his side and saw the figure of his husband sleeping calmly. Theses dreams had taken over him completely over the years, but now they were rarer. But during times like these, with the stress getting to him, they would make his nights hell.

Puck would normally wake up and hold him, but he was always too tired these days. He was six months pregnant and would sleep anytime the baby didn’t kick much or when he didn’t need to go to the bathroom.

Kurt got up and went to the kitchen. The last six months since they had found out about the pregnancy had been very difficult. Kurt didn’t know how to act. Puck was trilled with the baby, and was buying a lot of stuff online. Finn had declared himself to be the baby’s godfather and would go with Puck to every appointment Kurt couldn’t go to. Burt and Carole were calling all the time, and were making plans to move to New York, just to be closer to their grandchild. And Kurt, Kurt was drowning in angst.

He hated that he couldn’t be there for Puck. That every trip to buy something they forgot, like a pacifier, or the crib, made his heart tear a little bit more. He had gotten more work, designing for two new brands, and had just accepted a minor role in a play. 

He saw Puck hurt every day, when he said goodbye in the mornings, telling him he was returning home after ten or eleven at night. And when he got home, to a dark apartment, Puck would be sleeping clutched to his pillow. Only properly resting when Kurt pulled him in a hug, and sang to him softly. 

Finn had tried to talk to him that afternoon, saying that tomorrow Puck had a big appointment, the one where he would finally be able to find out the baby’s sex. And Kurt should be there, even if it meant clearing his appointment book. Kurt had told him he would try, even if in his mind, he was plotting new lies for not appearing.

Puck found him with a cold cup of tea in his hands hours later. He thought that like many times previously, his husband would let him be, and would only kiss him good night before going back to bed. He wasn’t expecting the dejected angry voice.

“Are you cheating on me? Or maybe you’re tired of not having sex, since I’m big and hideous.” 

“Puck, no..I just have a lot of work, that’s it.”

“Bullshit! Your secretary told me you’ve been looking for more and more work, even though the business is doing great, and you could afford to spend more time at home with me!

“Why were you talking to Linda? Damn it! I’m going to fire her.”

“I was talking to her because you don’t talk to me. And she’s just worried; you’ll drop with exhaustion from so much work.”

Kurt turned his back on Puck, and instead of resting the cup in the sink, he threw it, smashing it and stormed out of the kitchen. He didn’t want to talk; he couldn’t believe Puck thought he was cheating on him.

He dropped his body on the bed, sank his head into the pillow and tried to relax. The doctor had said to him that Puck couldn’t be stressed as male pregnancies were delicate. This was their best shot at being parents, since Kurt had tried for years with no success and they didn’t seem to know the answer to his problem.

This was too hard, he wanted things to be back to how it was six months ago, he wanted him and Puck to have never have been that drunk. He wanted to have let go of the anger at seeing that guy flirting with Puck, and insisting in topping. He wanted the doctor to find out what was the fucking problem with him, so he could be the one pregnant. 

The apartment was quiet, and Kurt wondered if Puck had gone to the guest room. He went looking, Puck could faint if stressed, they’d found that out in the early months. Now he was worried, there was a heavy silence. He looked everywhere, until he reached the kitchen. On the fridge there was a messy scrawl, Puck scrawl’s in a note.

_I don’t know what your problem is, but I can’t be here right now. I’m staying with Finn, this baby deserves a loving home, and there I at least know that someone will care. I hope we can fix this, but if not...I love you, Kurt, but I have to be ok for our baby._

_Sorry,  
Love, Puck._

Kurt slid to the floor, what the hell had he done?

***

For the next week Kurt called at Finn’s apartment, he would go to the front of the building and ask to be let in. He had gone to the appointment, but only got a picture from the doctor, who said that Puck had changed the hour and asked for him to give him a few days.

Kurt called his father, Carole and even Santana, knowing the three of them visited Puck regularly or at least called every day. They all said that Kurt needed to let Puck come to him, that he had really hurt his husband. That Puck needed to have a peaceful final trimester. Finn called him every night, and appeared for lunch one time, where he suggested Kurt went to see a therapist. 

For the next three months Kurt talked to Dr. Allen and discussed his and Puck’s relationship, why he buried himself in work, and how it was for his father to raise a gay kid alone. Sometimes, Kurt talked about his mother, and the doctor would be very quiet, instead of like all the other times where it would seem like they were just chatting.

When Kurt told him about his nightmares and how the bullying only got worse in high school, Dr. Allen asked him something Kurt never paid much attention to.

“Do you see yourself as a woman in your relationship?” Kurt looked at him and responded fast.

“I normally bottom if that’s what you’re asking.”

“No, I got that from our first talks, what I want to know besides that is if you imagine yourself as a woman, not the woman in the relationship, but a woman like your mother?”

Kurt frowned, he wasn’t a woman, he was a successful man, with a gorgeous husband and he was gay. Puck was manlier, but he always has been, since the beginning of their relationship, from since he knew Puck as just a curly haired kid.

“I told you Puck used to bully me, and that ever since I first met him he was always very manly. He was the football and hockey player at high school and an athlete of other modalities at college. And I was more girly, liking designers and music theater, taking care of my skin and doing pedicures and facials all the time. But I’m a man, and I hate when people tell me that I’m a woman or a girl. Those idiots did that, and they were wrong.” 

“Yes they were. They assumed that the social behavior of a man or woman can define all of a person’s personality. But I think that over the years your mother’s sensibility and your need to be closer to her, made you think that you should be more like her, more like a woman. Those boys reinforced that to you, always showing you the difference of not your behavior and theirs, but the behavior of a man and a woman as well.” The doctor waited a second and then continued. “Your father was a very male figure to you, but from what you’ve been telling me, you tried your best to do different things, to continue the steps you dreamed of in your mother’s bedroom with her. Do you see that, does it make sense?”

“Maybe, I’m confused.”

“Let’s finish for today. You said the birth is between next week and the following week. Think about this, and what we’ve been talking about, and send a letter to your husband. Try to show him how much you want to be there with him. We still have a long way to go, but maybe you can now be there to hold his hand, and later, you can take it step by step.

Kurt said goodbye and called Linda on the way out, asking her to give out a notice to everyone of his paternity leave. He had doubled his work to try to be free when the baby came, even if he didn’t care much for the baby yet, but hopelessly needed Puck back.

He decided to try Finn’s apartment again, and maybe see Puck. He just needed Puck, and then he would deal with the rest.

***

Kurt got lucky when he arrived at Finn’s apartment. A very old lady was trying to balance her shopping and her keys, so he offered to hold the groceries, while she opened the door. She got suspicious, but he told her about a visit he was paying to his stepbrother Finn, and the woman gave him a shining smile, telling him of how much a good boy Finn was.

He helped enter, and they went on the elevator. She seemed to really like Finn and his roommate, Puck. Told him the boy was always polite and told wonderful stories about his Nana. Kurt’s heart felt heavy, Puck would only talk about his Nana on very special occasions, and Kurt always had to pull the stories out of him. 

He left the bags at her table, and thanked her for the offer of some refreshments, and told her he should get going. Kurt climbed the stairs, giving himself some time to think before seeing Puck. He wondered if Puck would let him in, and was willing to speak with him. They had only exchanged e-mails and short messages via cell phones. Puck said he needed to be calm, and Kurt just waited.

He knocked on the door, and heard Puck shouting something like how Finn always forgot the key. When the door opened, Puck just stared at him, looking almost afraid of what he would say or do. He tried to close the door, but Kurt put his foot in it, and stopped the closure.

“Give me ten minutes, I promise to be quick, and if you feel tired or want me to go after, I will. Please, Noah.” Puck let him in, but sat as far as possible away from him.

“Ok, I’m sorry for this, I really am. I hope you can forgive me and maybe let me have a second chance.” Kurt took a breath and looked at his hands. “I’m seeing a therapist, and we’ve been talking about this situation, and the baby.” He cleared his throat, before continuing. “I still have a long way, but today he made think about why I don’t want our baby, and maybe he is right. I wanted to be the one pregnant.”

“What difference does it make? He‘s our kid either way, and you would so not like to throw up all the time.”

“Because I feel horrible when I see you, I always dreamed I’d be the one carrying the baby. Even when I was a kid, and didn’t know it was possible. But it’s not just that...” Kurt was crying and he saw Puck approach him out the corner of his eye, hugging his shoulders. “Do you remember that time you held me and the others broke my Barbie doll?”

“Kurt, you know I’m sorry about that...”

“I know,” Kurt whispered. “The next day was mom’s birthday, and I was so sad. The kids said horrible things, and I think it stuck. You know it got worse, but nothing hurt more than hearing that the only good I was going to do for a guy was to get pregnant.” 

“Kurt...” Puck buried his face in Kurt’s neck, and just breathed in the smell he had missed so much while at Finn’s house. “Baby, this kid is just like you, perfect. He is your son, and he will be as gorgeous as his daddy. I hope he has those blues eyes of yours and that fine ass, and the gentle way you love me. But, you have to see this, or...

"Or you can’t come home.”

“Yeah.”

Finn found them hours later, sleeping on the couch. He tip toed to his room and let them be, he really hoped everything be alright.

***

Puck looked at his husband’s face, frowning even in his sleep. Kurt had been wonderful to Puck during those last two weeks of pregnancy and all through the labor. But he still couldn't hold their baby boy, but he could a least look at their son, and even smile with Puck.

It was true that the smile was a bit twitchy, and sometimes bitter, but Puck would have given anything to have his husband back. The months apart were immensely hard, but not as hard as the things that had come up in his mind.

Not knowing what Kurt was thinking and why he would step back in their relationship in the months after he discovered about his pregnancy almost ruined their marriage. They were still on probation, but he got to see Kurt tell a little story to their baby, about a duck and a swan.

Maybe in tiny steps Kurt would be ok. His therapist, who Puck had insisted in meeting before moving back to their home, said that with help and time, Kurt would be a functional father. The doctor said that Kurt could be as normal as possible, if they continued to show him how much the baby needed him, up until the point where he could grow to love their baby.

Puck was very happy, because he had hope that everything would be alright in the end, and after being married to Kurt Hummel, he had learned to see a brighter side of things, even when everything seemed bad.

Yeah, they would be ok, eventually.


End file.
